I’m excited because this book touches on a lot of what I believe about Beliefs and Habits.

I haven’t even finished this book yet, and I’m already adding it to my list of recommended books. I’m proud to say that my aunt is going to read it after I am finished with it.

Don’t worry, I plan to review it once I’m finished, and let you know what I learned from it.

Here, in part 4, Carnegie shows us how to “Be a Leader: How to change People without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment”

Part 4 is comprised of 9 chapters showing both theory and example of how to be a great leader. Let’s dive right in:

If You Must Find Fault, This is the Way to Begin

I’ll begin this chapter with the example Carnegie started it with. A friend of his was a guest at the White House for a weekend during Calvin Coolidge’s administration. Drifting into the President’s private office, he heard him say to one of his secretaries, “That’s a pretty dress you are wearing this morning, and you are a very attractive young woman.”
Given Coolidge’s usually quiet demeanor, the secretary was taken off guard and blushed in confusion. Coolidge then said “Now, don’t get stuck up. I just said that to make you feel good. From now on, I wish you would be a little bit more careful with your punctuation.”

The psychology here is that it is much easier to take criticism or bad news after we have heard soe praise of our good points.

President Lincoln was the Grand Master of this particular technique. An excellent example can be found in this book of a letter Lincoln wrote to then-General Joseph Hooker.

If you absolutely must bring up some bad news to someone, begin by first offering up genuine and authentic praise of one or more of the person’s good points. This will help to soften the blow.

How to criticize-And Not Be Hated for It.

The lesso here is to “Call attention to People’s Mistakes Indirectly”. One of the best examples given in this chapter is of Johnnie, a typical student in school. His parents, being ever conscious of the power of changing one three-letter word to another, say this:

“Johnnie, we’re proud of you for bringing up your grades so much in Algebra this semester, and if you continue with the same conscientious efforts next semester, I have no doubt you’ll have the highest grade in the class!”

Replace the word BUT with the word AND, and you’ll get far more cooperation from the other person. This goes well with the last chapter. Begin the criticism with genuine positive praise, use the word “and”, then suggest some change you’d like made.

Talk About Your Own Mistakes First

Again, this chapter deals with criticism. When you are about to have to lay some criticism on another person, begin by acknowledging your mistakes first. This serves to show the other person that making mistakes are not the end of the world. Quite the contrary, mistakes are what make us as people. Mistakes are our friend, so to speak, for the lessone we learn along the way. If the person you are criticizing is already feeling bad about the mistake, acknowledging your past related mistakes serve to let them know that it’s ok to be human.

No One Likes To Take Orders

Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. This is also along the lines of letting the other person take ownership for what they are doing. Rather than say, “Roy, I need you to move the trucks to the back lot,” try saying “Roy, don’t you think the trucks might look better in the back lot, so the customers have more room to get around the front lot?”

A simple step, yet so very powerful.

Let the Other Person Save Face

If you find yourself in need of doing something unpleasant to a fellow worker, it is a much better proposition to handle the situation such that the other person is not made to look bad in light of his or her peers.

The example in this chapter is of Charles Steinmetz of the General Electric Company. He was a genius when it came to electricity, but was a failure as the head of GE’s Calculating department. Rather than fire him, as was suggested, the company decided to keep him on, in the new position (created or him) of Consulting Engineer of the General Electric Company. This allowed the company to get a better match as a departmental head, without losing the company’s best engineer.

How to Spur People on to Success

This chapter makes important mention of the research in behavioral psychology by B.F. Skinner. Skinner found that when criticism is minimized and praise is emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy due to lack of attention.

The lesson in this chapter? “Praise the Slightest improvement and praise every improvement.”

Give a Dog a Good Name

In this chapter, I learned to “Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.”

A teacher once “inherited” the most problemed and troubled boy in the school to her class, at the beginning of the year. When it came time to take roll the first day in class, she said to him, “You look like a mighty fine boy. I’ve heard there might be problems in the class with disruption. I’d like to make you my deputy and you be in charge of keeping order in the classroom.” The result? Improved grades for this boy, better attitude, no further discipline problems. a true Win-Win for everyone.

Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct

Each one of us needs to improve in something. And each one of us will likely be called on to help at least one person in some form or fashion. Rather than saying things like, “Wow, you’ve got a LOT of work to do to improve”, try “You seem to have the fundamentals down naturally, we should have you doing this in no time.”

Perception is everything. If you can make the other person perceive that it is an easy fault to address and correct, then it will be.

Making People Glad to Do What You Want

This goes back to the chapter on letting the other person save face. If you need to have someone perform some task for you, find a creative or novel way to make them glad to do it. If it involves the kid cleaning and sorting the stuff in the garage, offer to pay them a “commission” on a per-volume basis. The mroe that gets cleaned the first day, the more you get.

In Conclusion

This concludes the outlining of what I’ve learned by reading this book. I hope that you’ve gotten some good information from it. If you have anything you’d like to add, whether it’s an “aha” moment, or just a story about how you’ve used some of these techniques, feel free to use the comment form below.

Back to Part 3

Let me know what you thought!!!

You Can’t Win an Argument

The lesson here is “The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.”

Have you ever been in argument, that you not only felt, but KNEW you were right? I think we’ve all been there at some point. One interesting thing about these arguments, if pursued, is that nobody wins. If you “win” by being right, you “lose” by jeopardizing a relationship in the process. The reason for this is that we all have a vested interest in this thing called EGO. Ego demands complete attention. It’s amazing the lengths some of us go to satisfy Ego. The Ego is best thought of as the self-centered of our consciousness which is most like a small child. It wants what it wants, and it wants it NOW (à la Veruca Salt).

As much interest as we have vested in our own Ego, and our reputation, none of us likes being shown up, especially in front of our peers. So, how to defuse a situation like this before it happens? The answer is to disagree without disagreeing.

Rather than saying, “You’re wrong, the rule plainly states so-and-so”, say, in a disarming tone, “Is that what the rule says? I could have sworn that I thought it said so-and-so, but there are so many rules to keep track of. I may be mistaken. I’ll check the book again, just to make sure.” More often than not, they will be HAPPY to consult the book with you, to prove themselves right.
This goes back to the tenet that the best idea a person hears is the one they come up with themselves. All that “change must come from within” stuff. This is one reason I’m reading the book “Changing Minds”, in hopes of being a better communicator of ideas.

So, if you ever get into a situation where you KNOW you are right, make the other person know that you’re right as well, but let them come to that conclusion on their own.

Dale Carnegie is famous for coining the phrase found in this chapter:

A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still. Excellent advice.
A Sure Way of Making Enemies-And How to Avoid It

This chapter overlaps the first chapter a lot. The lesson here is “Show Respect for the Other Person’s Opinion. Never say ‘you’re wrong’”.

How many times have you been in a dispute with someone else, only to discover that their idea, opinion or solution was more grounded and usable than your own? All I can really say here is that you do yourself a great disservice by not being open to other possibilities.

The Mind is like a parachute. It works best when it’s open.

If You’re Wrong, Admit it

Yes, that’s right. If you’re wrong, ADMIT it! This chapter gives many examples of how simply admitting wrong on your own part can defuse a potentially nasty argument from starting in the first place. Admission of oneself being wrong in a particular situation helps to sidekick and bypass the ego entirely. Ego and it’s need for attention causes so many problems in society, not just today, but all across time. How many wars were caused by conflicts of Ego? If one person had just stepped back and said “I’m wrong. You are entitled to so-and-so more than I am.”

Ego sometimes goes by other names too. Such as:

• “I have my pride to think about!”
• “I have to think about my reputation!”
• “It’s just a matter of principle!”

It is interesting to take note that a lot of Ego-based communication is emphasized and exclamated. Ego and Emotion are intertwined.
A Drop of Honey

Our lesson here is “Begin in a friendly way”.

You may get an emotional high from unloading your frustrations on someone who is doing a perceived wrong to you. Imagine though, if, before you do that, you close your eyes and try to understand why this person is doing what they’re doing.

The most telling part of this chapter (for me, anyway) is the old fable by Aesop of the Sun and the Wind.

Roughly condensed, it goes like this:

The sun and wind one day decide to see who it strongest. The wind says “See that man walking on the road? I wager that I can make him take his coat off before you can.” The wind started blowing, which made the man clutch his coat a bit tighter. Then, the wind blew stronger and stronger, eventually reaching gale force winds, which only made the man clutch his coat tighter around his body. The sun, after the wind gave up, started to shine gently, then brighter and brighter, until the man removed his coat to enjoy the warmth.

A drop of honey in any situation will always make it more pleasant for all involved.
The Secret of Socrates

Because I’m working in a sales backround during the day, this chapter is probably my favorite chapter. The lesson here is “to get the other person saying ‘yes’, ‘yes’, and ‘yes”"

This chapter talks a bit about how the body’s systems seem to contract and work less efficiently when a person is saying “no” and in a negative mode. A positive mode, however, not only doesn’t contract the body’s systems, it also tends to open them up.

Socrates was the master of getting people to agree with him. He would begin his debates and discussions by focusing on the points that he and the other person already agreed on. By using probing questions, he would get the other person to say “yes” several times by asking about things they agree on. Then, he would use this “yes” momentum and move to focus on the points that needed agreement. It works almost as if by magic.

I don’t know about you, but I throughly appreciate when I find something of value. Do you like finding things of value that can make your life better? If I got nothing else from this book, this chapter is worth the purchase price.

The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints

This chapter tells us to “Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.” This advice works wonders in other areas besides handling compaints. The key here, just as in the chapter called “An Easy Way To Become A Good Conversationalist” in Part 2 of this book, is to get the other person talking, and shut your mouth while they talk. And make sure you LISTEN to what it is they’re saying. You will learn more about the situation by listening to them talk, than you will by letting them listen to you talk.

This technique also works wonders, if done properly, in sales. Would you rather spout off all the features and benefits of your product/service, or have the company buyer be excited by what you’re offering and sell the rest of the company FOR YOU?

How to Get Cooperation

This is a really good chapter that tells us to “Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers”. It has been shown that people are more likely to buy something if they can think of uses for it themselves. Of course, you can help guide them on the “right” path.

In one example in the book, a salesman who represented a company selling designs for stylists and textile manufacturer’s. 150 times, he showed the owner of a certain company the sketches, and the owner declined each time after careful review. So, the sales rep decided to try out something else. He took INCOMPLETE sketches to the company owner, and asked for his expert guidance in finishing up the sketches. The owner had the sketches for 3 weeks, the sales rep came back, thanked him, and on the way out the door, the owner bought enough from him to more than pay for the other 150 times that he had “failed”. Is there really any such thing as failures? I think that failure is just a learning experience we use to eventually get to the success we strive for.
A Formula that Will Work Wonders for You

Here, I learned to “Try Honestly to see thing from the other person’s point of view.”

Mr. Carnegie makes several references to career criminals in his book. One mentioned in this chapter is Al Capone. Carnegie makes the argument that even people like Al Capone are the way they are for a reason. So, next time you would condemn someone, stop first, close your eyes, and try to see things as that person sees them.

Carnegie makes the point that if we had the same upbringing, the same parents, and the same general environment as Al Capone did growing up, we might end up like that also.

The cool thing about this idea is that it touches so nicely on the ideas of modeling found in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). Next time you are trying to make a point to someone, first see the situation from their point of view. Then communicate to the person in a manner that is congruent with what you think their worldview is. This goes back to the chapter in this book on “expressing things in terms of the other person’s interests”.

What Everybody Wants

This overlaps with the previous chapter. Basically more of the same, I thought. Still more good examples in this chapter though.

An Appeal That Everybody Likes

This chapter teaches me to “Appeal to the Nobler Motives”

When dealing with a person in a situation that you would like a particular outcome, express your desire in terms of the nobler motives. If you would like a tree planted in a certain part of your yard for shade, mention to your landlord that it might be for the overall good the community, since the tree will help clean the air. That may sound like a bit of a stretch, but seriosuly, appeal to the other person’s morals.

Make it a win-win for both parties.

The Movies Do It. TV Does it. Why Don’t You Do It?

This chapter is a good primer on the concept of “Dramatizing your ideas.”

Rather than just telling your boss, “I have an idea that might save us money”, say “Boss, I’ve got an idea that if done right, will save us at LEAST $10,000 a year in advertising overhead, but get us even MORE leads into the funnel. And that’s a LOWBALL estimate!!!”

Notice on TV, when you see the commercials for certain laundry detergents, they have side-by-side comparisons. The soap being sold removes the stains in seconds (time-lapsed seconds, alas), while the other one either doesn’t get the stain or make it WORSE?

This is a dramatization of an idea or benefit. Toot your own horn when you rightfully can.

When Nothing Else Works, Try This
“Throw down a challenge”. If you want to improve the performance of a group in your workshop or office, set up a friendly competition. Offer a prize such as paid 24-hour day off, etc…

Anything goes, as long as the contest itself doesn’t inherently interfere with the work being done.

Back to Part 2

On to Part 4

Without further delay, here are the six ways:

Do This and You’ll Be Welcome Anywhere

This chapter tells us to “Become genuinely interested in other people”. I think in a sense this may overlap the points made in Part 1, Chapter 3, in as far as expressing a problem in terms of another person’s interests. This chapter, however, goes more into the importance of merely enjoying the presence of each other.

Carnegie gives excellent analogies in this chapter to support his teaching. The most memorable analogy is a retelling Carnegie gives of his own childhoold puppy, Tippy. Tippy would await anxiously each day as Dale would come home from school, and happily pounce on him and devour and shower him with those kisses that only dogs can really give. He tells us that dog is man’s best friend because a dog is never, while “talking” with us, worrying about tomorrow’s schedule or what he’s going to “say” next.
The point here? Try and REALLY, REALLY listen when talking to someone. Hear what the person is saying, both verbally and non-verbally. Don’t worry about what you’re going to say next. If it’s really important when it comes your turn, you’ll still have it in mind.

A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression

This chapter focuses on the power of a genuine smile. It’s been shown, both in Carnegie’s time and more so now, that a simple smile can reverse any negative mood for the better.

Not much more I can say about it here.

If You Don’t Do This, You Are Headed For Trouble

Remember this, if you remember nothing else, and you will automatically be 100% better than the majority of people out there. The sweetest sounding word to any person, in any language, is the sound of their own name.

If you have a problem remembering names, invest some time into developing a system to remember them better. The payoff is immense. I’ve already been fairly decent at remembering names, and I can tell you it’s awesome the amount of respect that is sent your way from merely remembering a name. Especially so are the hard-to-pronounce names. How many people do you know who have a name so hard to pronounce or spell, that nicknames get used instead? Do yourself a favor, ask the person how to say their name, or ask someone else who already knows. It will pay you back in spades.

An Easy Way To Become A Good Conversationalist

If you want to be regarded as the best talker on the planet, talk less. When engaging someone in a conversation, ask the person about the last vacation they took, the car they drive, how they met their partner/spouse, etc. Find something that they like to talk about, ask them about it, and shut up while they talk. Don’t interrupt (although, if they tend to be chronic interrupters themselves, doing so every so often may serve to build rapport).

Get ‘em talking, and be a good listener.

How To Make People Like You Instantly

This is a very powerful tip that, when used properly, will help bolster a person’s self-esteem. This focuses on making the other person feel important, and doing it sincerely. There is a difference between genuine appreciation and flattery. Flattery is fake and can be spotted miles away in pitch black. Find something you can genuinely appreciate about the person, and tell them about it.

A personal example for me, is one night while I was delivering a pizza. I was handing a pizza to this lady who I thought had extremely beautiful eyes. Sorta had that dreamy looking quality to them. Kinda like Vanessa Williams’ eyes. So, I said, as I handed her pizza, “If I may say so without sounding totally weird, you have beautiful eyes.”

Needless to say, she brightened up and said “Thank You!”

No doubt she had a good evening, and all it REALLY cost me was an extra 2 seconds of time. Free for me, priceless for her.

Well, that concludes part 2. Let me know of any personal examples you’ve got using these ideas.

Back to Part 1

On to Part 3>>>

If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive

The gist of this chapter points out the importance of never criticizing, condemning or complaining. This chapter uses numerous examples, including the fact that several letters written by President Lincoln were never sent, due to the stinging nature of them. Lincoln, in his wisdom never sent the letters, but rather sent “nicer” letters once he was composed enough to send them without raising the ire of the intended recipient.

The Big Secret of Dealing With People

This chapter emphasizes the importance of giving honest and sincere appreciation. It has been shown by many psychologists, the most notable being B.F. Skinner, that the attainment of pleasure is always a better driving force then the avoidance of pain.

When dealing with anyone, make doubly sure to find something in the situation that you can genuinely appreciate, and draw attention to that. Focusing on the positive will always bring more of the positive into the situation. This goes back to the Law of Attraction, which states, in a nutshell, that what you focus on grows.

He Who Can Do This Has The Whole World With Him, He Who Cannot Walks A Lonely Way

This chapter advises the reader, when dealing with another person, to focus on the wants and needs of the other person above his or her own interests. If you ever come across a difficult situation, rather than resorting to things such as force, threats or browbeating, focus on them. Find out what turns that person on, and rephrase the problem to yourself in terms of what the person needs or wants. This will, done properly, create a burning white desire in that person to get things done.

As an example, my son occasionally goes through periods of not wanting to eat the meals provided at school. He is not yet at an age where the school allows the students to bring in their own lunches. Incidentally, my son happens to want to be a great inventor when he grows up. His current hero, as far as inventors go, is George Washington Carver.

Rather than threatening my son that I will come to school and feed him in front of his friends (which, I’m ashamed to admit, I have done in frustration), I decided to rephrase the situation in terms of his interests.

ME: “Son, do you remember what you told me you want to be when you grow up?”

SON:(smiling) “An inventor and scientist.”

ME: (smiling also) “Well, what do you think scientists have to be?”

SON: “Smart!”

ME: “And, in order to be smart, which part of your body has to work the right way?”

SON: “Your brain.”

ME: “Do you think your brain will be able to work properly if you never eat?”

SON: “No, I guess not.”

ME: “Well, do you think if you ate the food at school, rather than be hungry all day, you might be even smarter when you wake up?”

SON: (beaming) “Yes!”

Needless to say, haven’t had a problem with him eating at school since;)

“On to Part 2>>>”